Cook·ie also cook·y n. pl. cook·ies ; A small, usually flat and crisp cake made from sweetened dough.Raquel's Cook·ie also cook·y; A reasonably small, often round, impenetrable, utterly inedible & sweetened cannonball dough; made from a special recipe handed down from her ancestors. The atomic structure of her cookie gives it the property of being the hardest substance known to man, natural or synthetic.
When I married my beloved Raquel, it certainly wasn't for her culinary abilities. My dear wife is certainly
one hot mumma in many areas of our relationship. To me, she is the
queen of queens & the babe of babes. I wouldn't exchange Raquel for
anyone else in the world. That is, apart from; 1)
Angelina Jolie (for her amazing
brain and huge boobies) and 2)
Jo Taylor (for her money, as Jo would have been stinking rich when her millionaire step-dad kicked his clogs,
and for her amazing ability to make home-made Christmas cards and presents).
But, all said and done, I am a
very satisfied man. I am, also, a man who loves good food, and, of course, enjoy a fine wine to wash it down with. But every now and again, Raquel says something that is quite disturbing to me. As an ex-cop and Royal Naval aviator, I had grown accustomed to conquering all kinds of fear. In saying this, nothing, but nothing, can facilitate an
adrenaline rush like the one caused when these chilling words leave her beautifully formed mouth;
"
Hun, could you remember to buy some flour and choc chips and bring them home with you?"
The last time this happened, her request triggered a familiar sound in my head. It was kinda like having that
eerie violiny, screechy, kinda
scary noise from Hitchcock's movie; "
Psycho." You know
, when the lady's in the shower and the knife starts to hack her into tiny little pieces?
Flour and choc chips. That can only mean one thing, she intended to make her loved-one's some
cookies! *gulps*
She seems totally oblivious to the adverse reaction of her family when she decides that it's
baking day. My clever kids have learned to feign every conceivable illness; from mild food poisoning and strep throat, to Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy, and even anthrax infection due to, very unplausably,
a nuclear/chemical/biological terrorist attack on our well water. I, unfortunately, do not escape
that easily and usually have to, at least, try one of her cookies.
Bridget, our insane pussy cat, can be seen pleading to Raquel to spare her the ordeal of having some of the cookies dispersed into her kibble. Having broken one or two diamond tipped drill bits, trying to reduce the size of the cookie, Raquel has learned to just
bake 'em small in the first place.
We have found that the best way to cut one of Raquel's cookies is to adhere to the following patented proceedure;
Her cookies are best sawn across the "grain" by a paper-thin metal disc coated with diamond dust revolving at high speed or by laser. The cookies are then split along the grain by a single blow from a steel blade. After severe sawing, the corners of the cookie are rounded off by a process known as bruting or girdling. The cookie is then cemented into a 'lathe', a holder that fits on a turning shaft. Another cookie is cemented to the end of a long rod. As the lathe rotates, the two cookies are brought together and grinded to shape. Cookie dust is produced from this action and is used in further sawing and faceting.
Rumour has it that her great, great, great grandmother handed down her cookie dough recipe, either from Lord Nelson's crazed-with-syphilis chef on HMS Victory or, more plausably, his armanents officer, Lieutenant Pascoe, who was responsible for the Victory's formidable 104 cannons, that helped thrash the Frogs.
Her cookies inspired me to write the best selling books;
'101 Ways To Use Raquel's Cookies,' and
'Cookies For Dummies.' Both, so I'm told, interesting reads, here's a very small excerpt from the former
'101 Ways' book;
1. Drop them onto the head's of unsuspecting tourists from the CN Tower
2. Drop them from B52 bombers onto enemy cities
3. Fire them at rogue comets, meteors, and asteroids that threaten to hit planet earth
4. Use them to cut diamonds
5. Use them to shore up the foundations of your home
6. Use them for power-lift training
7. A useful Christmas present for your mother-in-law, if coated with Cadbury's chocolate.
8. Market the cookies nationwide, then go into partnership with several dental practices across Canada.
Anyway, that's all history now, but a myriad of memories and information flooded into my brain when she asked the spine chilling question;
"Hun! Could you remember to buy some flour and choc chips and bring them home with you?"It was said so sweetly, so nonchalantly, but the consequences of obeying her request were going to be both painful and expensive.
Of course, Raquel blamed me for the lack of calcium in my diet. She berated me for trying to eat the cookie too quickly. She derided me for not being 'man enough' to handle one of her delicate gastronomic delights.
Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to have learnt her lesson from the $1300 dental bill that I later gave to her, and she is planning to make some special Christmas cookies on Christmas Eve.
Yo! Ho! Ho! Merry Chrithmuth. I just can't wait.
*sighs*
